Q: I gather, sir, that you are a famous psychoanalyst?
A: That is correct
Q: May I ask where you studied psychiatry?
A: At the Vienna School of Good Luck.
Q: Who analyzed you?
A: I was analyzed by No.1 himself.
Q: You mean the great Sigmund Freud?
A: In person. Took me during lunchtime, charged me a nickel
Q: What kind of man was he?
A: Lovely little fellow. I shall never forget the hours we spent together, me on the couch, him sitting there right beside me, wearing a nice off-the-shoulder dress.
Q: Is it true, sir, that Mr. Moss Hart is one of your patients?
A: That is also correct.
Q: Could you tell us, sir, what Mr Hart talks about during your analytic sessions?
A: He talks smut. He talks dirty, he talks filthy, he talks pure, unadulterated smut. It makes me want to puke.
Q: How do you cope with this?
A: I give him a good slap on the wrist. I wash his mouth out with soap. I tell him, "don't talk dirty, don't say those things".
Q: What are Mr Hart's major problems? Does he have an Oedipus complex?
A: What is that?
Q: You're an analyst, sir, and you never heard of an Oedipus complex?
A: Never in my life.
Q: Well, sir, it's when a man has a passionate desire to make love to his own mother.
The great Mel Brooks
A: (after a pause)That's the dirtiest thing I ever heard. Where do you get that filth?
Q: It comes from a famous play by Sophocles.
A: Was he Jewish?
Q: No, sir, he was Greek.
A: With a Greek, who knows? But, with a Jew, you don't do a thing like that even with your wife, let alone your mother.
Q: But, sir, according to Freud, every man has this intense sexual attachment to his...
A: Wait a minute, wait a minute, whoa, hee-haw, just hold your horses right there. Moss Hart is a nice Jewish boy. Maybe on a Saturday night when he takes the mother to the movies, maybe on the way home he gives her a little peck in the back of the cab, but going to bed with the mother - get out of here! What kind of smut is that?
Q: During your sessions with Mr Hart, does he become emotionally overwrought?
A: Very frequently, and it's a degrading spectacle.
Q: How do you handle these situations?
A: I walk straight out the room, I climp up a step-ladder, and I toss in asprins through the transom.